My husband is such a sweetheart! Last night, (for no reason except that he loves me) he brought home a few chocolate covered strawberries from Tasty Cakery & Sweets. He knows they are one of my favorite things! They were delicious!
It's the little things!
Do you know your spouse's love language? Mine is Words of Affirmation, but for a person who's love language is Receiving Gifts, those strawberries would have had a much deeper meaning than Yummy! For someone who's love language is Physical Touch, a back rub speaks love to them, or holding hands, etc... To the spouse who's love language is Acts of Service, a honey do list means a lot more than getting things done! It might mean when your husband asks you to make that phone call for him while he's at work, and you do it, it shows him that you love him! The other gift is Quality Time. That person feels more loved when you do things together.
You can learn more here The 5 Love Languages, and even take an assessment to find out your and your mates love language. I highly recommend it! It's fun! Start watching and see if you can figure out what your husband or wife's language is. You can read the book by Gary Chapman. He has also written The Five Love Languages for Children, one for Teenagers, etc...
Another key that I want to talk about in making your marriage go the distance is Communication. There are different ways to communicate, and sometimes communication, or lack of can lead to misunderstanding. Ask questions to make sure you understand what your spouse is trying to say. Give them your undivided attention. Your spouse wants to know that they matter to you. I personally feel more valued when someone cares enough to listen to me.
Stop what you're doing, put down the newspaper, your cell phone, or turn off the television and listen. When your spouse comes home from work, greet him or her at the door. Take a few minutes and ask them about their day. Truly listen.
Choose your time wisely. If your spouse is watching a game, or busy, that may not be the best time to try to talk to them about something important. However, don't let those things become excuses not to talk. Make time for communication, have a date night where you can talk without interruptions, or set aside time each night to unwind and talk.
When you need to talk about a sensitive subject, choose your words carefully. Think before you speak, be encouraging, and make sure you are understood. And remember, not everything that you are feeling needs to be expressed. Use wisdom. Proverbs 10:19 says "When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise." NASB
It is probably not the best time to communicate when you're angry.
Lastly, a key factor in our marriage has been opening our hearts to one another. In order to do that, you need to feel safe. There must be love and trust. Sometimes our hearts may be guarded due to past hurts or relationship issues. If your heart is guarded, if you have a wall up, you can say "I love you" as many times as you want, but your spouse isn't going to feel it. Let your guard down, your marriage will thrive.
Difficulties are inevitable. They don't mean something is wrong with your marriage. How you respond will either drive you apart or bring you closer together. You need a plan for those times. Failure to do so may result in isolation or loneliness.
When that happens, we try to find fulfillment outside of marriage. Our escape can be being busy, becoming a workaholic, shopping, pornography, romance novels, focusing all of our time and energy on our children, or even a love affair (physical or emotional. The result is more isolation.
We've had many ups and downs in our marriage, times where we've thought Can we make it?
It takes all of the "keys" I've talked about in these 3 posts. God, Forgiveness, Communication and Opening Our hearts!
Sadly, divorce is occurring at alarming rates. God hates divorce! Don't consider it an option! There are many tools and resources available that can help you. Not only did you make a vow with your spouse when you got married, but it is a covenant with God.
If you need help, I would suggest Family Life Today. They have many articles, books, etc... If you are able to get away for a Weekend to Remember, that is a great place to start. Seek counseling.
Pray together, and pray for your spouse.
Take the love language assessment and try to make your spouse feel loved each day.
If you haven't read the first 2 posts in this series, you can find them below.
Watch for future posts on marriage.
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I am willing to mentor privately through email if you would like. (limited to my knowledge, experience, and my work with Family Life Today) Email me at tshineldecker@gmail.com
I pray that you have a marriage that not only survives, but thrives! Leave a comment below. I'll be praying for you!
Blessings!
We read this book as a part of our "premarital" counseling. I can't say enough good things about it!!
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