A Confession

Several years ago, with the whole Y2K scare, I began having panic attacks and anxiety.  I was pregnant with my youngest child, and I was reading a book that I'd bought from a Christian bookstore.  I was worried about having a baby and what would happen.  Would we be able to feed him and take care of our other children?  Would we be safe?  I wanted to be prepared.

The book I was reading turned out to be one of those doomsday type things, and my husband told me to stop reading it.  (I listened, and ended up burning it... didn't want anyone else to read it either)  :)

I had grown up in church, and was saved, but didn't really understand what it meant to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ until just a few years before this.  I was however, leading a small Bible study with a few close friends in my home.  One of my friends gave me the verse from Luke 22: 31&32

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.  But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers."

That verse was like a lifeline to me.  I felt like I had been drowning and no one understood or could help me.  That verse helped me to realize that I was letting worry and fear get the best of me, and that I needed to Trust in God. 

Now, 13 years later, I feel as if I'm being sifted again.  Not the anxiety and panic attacks this time. With God's help, I overcame that at that time. 

No, this time it's different.  It's more like Where is God?  Don't get me wrong, I know He is there.  He never leaves us, it is us who moves.  It's more like Where did I go?  Who am I? 

Over the past 4-5 years:

My husband was laid off for most of 2 years. 

I lost an Uncle to pancreatic cancer.

I lost my Grandma to cancer, and then my Grandpa died about 6 months later. 

That side of my family started fighting, and still has not reconciled, so I feel like I've lost half of my family. 

While my husband was laid off, I decided that I should go back to college.

I was also homeschooling my son, working 2 part time jobs, and a Bible study leader for a large community study, as well as being involved in our church, and serving in another ministry.

I became a Grandma and was approaching the big 4-0!

Can you say OVERWHELMED?!!!  STRESSED?

My husband found a new job in the same field, and all I wanted was RELIEF.  My job was becoming stressful, as was trying to schedule around everything else.  A friend recommended that I give something up before I kill myself (or someone else, haha) and I knew that I needed to.  I just didn't know what to give up.  I loved everything that I was doing, and they were all good things. 

After much prayer and thought, I let go of the Bible study, as it was a pretty big commitment.  I also ended up putting college on hold for the time being. 

I wanted to quit my job, and took on another job with intentions of quitting the first one, but the new job was not at all what I had wanted, so I ended up not keeping the new one.  My hubby was worried about me not working after he had been laid off for so long.  Do you blame him?  I don't, but I have to admit that I was upset. 

I felt like I was giving up everything that I really wanted to do and be for a job that I hated.  I talked to him, and prayed and prayed, and by January, I couldn't take anymore.  I quit!  My husband wasn't thrilled about it, but he allowed it. 

So, what is my confession?  That was only the beginning of a downward spiral for me.  I'd like to chalk it up to midlife crisis, but not sure what to call it.  I was tired of doing the "right thing" or what everyone else expected me to do.  I was tired of showing up at church with a smile on my face when I didn't feel it.

I started living for myself, and making poor decisions.  I can't say that I totally walked away from God, because I still believed in Him, but I was not living for Him.  I had stepped off the narrow path, and was walking down a dead end road. I was looking for an escape. 

Temptation is strongest when we are looking for an escape.  We are vulnerable to Satan's offer of another way out.  (James 1:14)    

I had always thought of myself as a "good Christian girl", but I have to admit, I was kind of a judgmental person.  My sin was pride. 

You know the saying, "pride comes before the fall?"

Well, let's just say that I've been humbled. 

I'm still a work in progress.  We all are, but some days, I feel like I'm on a teeter totter with the world and temptation on one end and God on the other.  I know that God is bigger than my problems, and He will win, but I have to be willing to let Him do his job.  We can't flirt with the devil and walk with God.  Like oil and water, they don't mix.  When you aren't living what you believe, you don't have peace.

There are still times that my spiritual life feels about as dry as the dessert, and I think where are you God?  He feels so far away in this time of drought.  But it isn't Him, it is me.  God gives us grace, and He forgives our sin, but sometimes the consequences of those sins and our rebellion last forever.

What about you my friend?  What road are you on?  Is your spiritual well dry?  Are you looking for an escape?  The world offers many ways to escape.  Careers, busyness, our children, alcohol or drugs, pornography, steamy romance novels, soap operas, emotional affairs, shopping, adultery, or even church or community work.  Are you trying to fill a void in your life with the wrong things? 

If you are on the narrow road, what do you need to do to stay on it?  Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  (Mark 14:38)

No matter what road you are on now, or what you've done, it isn't too late to turn back.  There is nothing we can do to deserve God's love, and nothing we can do to lessen it!  He loves you, right where you are!  He is waiting to forgive you.  Just confess your sin to him and receive His forgiveness. 

Commit to follow Him.
Read your Bible.  The Psalms are a great place to start, or if you don't know Him, maybe start with Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in the New Testament. 

God's grace is sufficient for you (2 Cor. 12:9)

I would love to pray with you, or for you.  Feel free to send me a personal email at tshineldecker@gmail.com

P.S.  Watch for my new blog design, coming soon! 

Blessings!
Tammy